Reflect The Storm
by Azeban
Summary: Sirius has been in Azkaban now for over Seven years. As he finishes counting down his time spent imprisoned, he recalls Halloween of 1981 and the events that took place and landed him here. Oneshot.


I dug the quill harder onto the wall, dragging it up and down repeatedly. I paused for a moment, dropping my hand as I stared at the small indentation I had carved into the stone wall. Then I moved my eyes over to the rest of the similar, thin lines that decorated my prison cell. I counted them quietly, dragging a finger across each crevice as I did so. In the end, I came to a total of 89. Each of these insignificant lines represented a month. Months of sitting in this very cell for crimes I had never committed. I fell back onto my bed as I rotated the quill in my hands; thinking hard about what had happened seven years and some odd months ago. Thinking about what landed me in Azkaban- one of the largest wizard prisons.

* * *

Halloween night- a favourite time for James and I. During our years at Hogwarts we always stirred up trouble on this night; Snape usually being the victim of our jokes in some way which made it all worthwhile. Of course, we always found ourselves in detention the next day, nonetheless it was some of our best moments.

I felt an odd yearning as I recalled these memories. I wanted to relive them again. Of course, I knew it wasn't wise to bring James out to run around when his son was in danger. Ever since the prophecy had been discovered about James' son, Harry, and Voldemort, Lily and James had took shelter in their home at Godric's Hollow. They rarely left the place, in fact I never recalled them leaving at all. Peter and I did a lot of their errands- grocery shopping, returning news from the Order, etc. I knew it was especially hard on James, who only wanted the picture perfect life. He dreamed of taking Lily and Harry to other places-vacations, wizarding tournaments, and quidditch matches. However, his dream was put on hold while he hid Harry. I was sure this would blow over soon. Once Voldemort found that he would not be able to obtain any clues to where the Potters were, he would be discouraged. I couldn't say he would give up; he was relentless...stubborn.

I dragged my eyes up to the moon watching it fade behind dark clouds of gray and thought about Peter. His life had been changed dramatically as well and it was because of me; but in all honesty it was best. James and Lily had made me their Secret-Keeper, a person who is designated to keep a secret using the fidelius charm, but just days after I felt like I was being watched. Perhaps it was paranoia, knowing full well that I could die any moment if Voldemort or a death eater came because I would refuse to reveal my best friend's location. When I had told Lily and James about this feeling they seemed concerned for my safety, and they both agreed that I was too obvious a choice. Everyone knew how close James and I were; I'd be the first person they'd go after in hopes of finding the Potters. Hours later I passed on the role of Secret-Keeper to Peter. He was of course the less obvious choice; no one would expect that easily frightened, anxious Peter would be entrusted with such a significant matter. Being Secret-Keeper made him even more nervous and he too insisted on hiding out, even though he'd probably be fine for the most part. However, I didn't argue. He was, after all, keeping Lily and James safe as well, so I encouraged any extra precautions he wanted to take.

I decided I'd give Peter a quick visit, just to check up on him and make sure he was alright. I strolled over to my flying motorcycle, mounted it, and headed to his hideout.

Minutes later, I landed in front of his house. I quickly parked the bike and crossed his yard, craning my neck as I gazed up at the windows. I jogged up the steps and was about to knock when I realized the door was cracked open. My heart skipped a beat as I pushed it open and walked inside.

"Peter?" I called out.

There was something wrong. I ran my eyes over the living room and kitchen; noticing there were no signs of a struggle. Everything was neat and put in place, exactly as it had been on my last visit.

"PETER!" I bellowed, running through the other rooms.

With no sign of him, I ran back outside and hopped onto my bike; moving full speed to Godric's Hollow. My mind was clouded with thoughts. Peter would never just up and leave out of nowhere. And he especially wouldn't just leave the door open. If Voldemort happened to stop by whether Peter was there or not, the place would've been trashed... I stopped for a moment as I clenched my hands tighter on the handlebars of the bike. _If_ Peter did struggle. I recalled him acting weird a few days last week, but surely it wasn't anything huge. My mind was racing as I continued brewing over the matter, but every conclusion I came to was exactly what I didn't want. In the end, all signs pointed to Peter betraying Lily and James.

Within minutes I was hovering above Godric's Hollow and noticed that the place looked untouched. However, as I landed in the yard and saw the house fully, my face fell. The door was wide open and a large chunk of the upstairs wall was destroyed. My stomach did somersaults as I ran into the house and right in the door way I saw my worst dream crossing over into reality. James lay on his side, his eyes opened, and no pulse whatsoever. I knelt down beside him, breathing heavily. It's quite an awful thing to see your first dead person, and it's only magnified greatly when you see a dead friend. This being the first dead person I had ever seen, and because of the fact that it was my friend too, I was engulfed in shock and sorrow.

"James...please..." I choked.

My eyes began to fill with tears as I stared at the corpse of my best friend. I ran my hand through his jet black hair. My heart sank each minute that passed as my mind began writhing with frustration and anguish. A searing pain shot through my chest every time I took a breath, gasping between tears. I kept trying to convince myself that this was a nightmare; an awful nightmare that I would wake up from any minute now. But even that somewhat comforting thought passed as the truth stared me in the face. He was dead. My best friend was gone.

With one last look I stood up and continued to search the place. When I reached the stairs I went into Harry's room and saw Lily on the floor. She was on her back, her eyes wide and staring at the ceiling. I swallowed hard as I felt more tears surfacing. I dropped to my knees beside her, holding her hand. I ran my fingers over her wedding ring, the one I had helped James pick out months before the occasion. I couldn't think clearly; I was immersed in a despair that I had never felt before. My thoughts were interrupted as I heard a small cry a few inches away. My eyes wandered to the crib and I felt a small beacon of hope inside my chest as I shuffled to over to it. There, sitting in the crib, was Harry. I smiled as fresh tears rolled down my face, and picked him up- my godson.

I looked at him as I never had before. Besides pictures, he was now my only physical means of seeing Lily and James. I observed his features,he was a miniature version of his father, even sporting James' black hair. Then I looked into his eyes, Lily's eyes. I held onto him tightly as I sat on the floor, my back leaning against his crib. I made sure to keep him facing away from Lily; her or James' body was the last thing he needed to see. I ran my hands through his hair, our pulses merged together as I held him. I tried to close my eyes but all I could see were James and Lily's bodies, flashing before my eyes, and I decided to focus on Harry. I whispered comforting things in his ear such as, "Everything will be okay." and "It's alright.". But the truth was everything _wasn't _okay and it _wasn't _alright. I began feeling like a bastard, whispering these things to him, trying so hard to convince him of these words that slid off my tongue, when I knew full well that they were only lies. A part of me was also rather jealous, I half hoped that by saying such things, I could convince myself of the same things, but it didn't work that way. I learned that quickly as my heart continued to ache as I kept returning my eyes to Lily's limp body that lay close by.

Harry began twisting in my arms as he tried to look around the room. I did my best to keep his head facing away from his mother, but he managed to catch a glimpse and began reaching for her. I swallowed hard as he started mumbling gibberish words and tried to get out of my arms to go to her.

"No, Harry. You can't." I said, turning him back around.

He looked up at me, confusion in his eyes...in Lily's eyes. And it took every bit of strength I had not to fall apart right there as he looked at me, wondering why I was upset, why I was keeping him from his mother.

Moments later, I heard footsteps racing downstairs. I swallowed as I balanced Harry on my hip, allowing me to reach into my robe and pull out my wand. I held it firmly as I walked towards the door, wand outstretched. I had generated so much hatred and sadness between Peter's hideout and here that if he or Voldemort wandered through the door I would kill them myself. Wand ready, the footsteps reached the top of the stairs and finally they approached the room. Before I could even get a look at who it was, I began to yell.

"It's your turn! AVADA KE-"

"SIRIUS!"

I stopped as I saw a giant figure move out of the darkness and into the dim light of Harry's room. Hagrid stood before me, his face wet with tears and a new look of terror in his eyes, as he had been moments away from getting blasted with a killing curse from me.

"Hagrid.." I choked, "I'm sorry, I thought you were..." I stopped unable to say anything else without my voice cracking.

Hagrid nodded, still obviously a little shaken.

"They're dead...I can't believe it..." I whispered, shaking my head.

Hagrid patted me on my back as he wiped at his eyes.

"Little Harry made it though..." He reminded me as he blew into a handkerchief.

I nodded, "I can't wait to take him home...away from this.."

"Ye can't yet Sirius, Dumbledore had me on special orders to return Harry to his aunt." Hagrid said looking at the floor, upset that he had to ruin my plans.

Sirius swallowed, "I can't take him? He's my godson. Hagrid, he's all I have..."

It was true. My reasons for wanting to take him so badly were partly selfish, I could admit. Without Lily or James alive, I was alone. Despite that though, I knew that wasn't the only reason I wanted him to come live with me. I wanted to make sure that he grew up knowing every little detail about his parents, that he was surrounded by pictures of them from the time he was a baby until the time he was a teenager. I wanted to be around him, to watch him grow up.

"Dumbledore thought it'd be best until he's older.."

"And then?" I asked, looking back at Harry.

"Then I reckon ye could raise him." Hagrid said giving me a small smile.

Hagrid held his arms out for Harry. I looked down at him, and gave him one last tight hug before handing him over.

"Take my bike Hagrid." I said as I ruffled Harry's hair.

Hagrid held Harry in one arm and ran his large finger over his head, "Alright, I'll make sure to return it."

"Don't worry about it. I won't be needing it." Sirius said quietly.

There was an awkward silence as we both stared at Harry. Hagrid was crying freely now, and I patted him on his back a few times as he looked at me gratefully. I gritted my teeth, trying to stay strong for Harry. In my heart though, I wanted so badly to just break down right then and there. To just openly mourn as Hagrid did. But my mind was focused on Harry, and I knew that would do no good for him.

"I better get him to Dumbledore." Hagrid announced, keeping his eyes anywhere but near Lily as his brows furrowed with sadness, "I can't see this no longer..."

"Be careful, Hagrid." I said, watching him.

"I will." he nodded, "You too Sirius." he said, eyeing me.

And with that Hagrid walked outside, and started up my bike. I watched him through the hole in the wall as he flew into the sky and disappeared into the night. I went back and forth between Lily's and James' body. I didn't want to see them, but at the same time I almost wanted to. Overall, I simply couldn't help but to look. But each time I grew sadder, angrier and more resentful towards Peter and Voldemort. Peter is the reason they are dead. Because of him I will no longer hear my friends speak, hear them laugh and neither will Harry. My eyes narrowed as I thought this. These were Harry's parents. He would grow up barely knowing them aside from stories he would hear people tell. But he would never truly know them, never hear them again. He would never enjoy the perfect life James had planned for him.

I clenched my fists as I stood up. I had to find Peter. I was going to avenge Lily and James' death tonight.

I shape shifted into my animagus form- a giant, shaggy, black dog, and took off into the night. I was running around- blinded by a painful rage that made my head throb agonizingly. I had no idea where he could be, for all I knew he could be somewhere with Voldemort or in a muggle tea shop.

I spent several hours running through forests, in between alleys, and down multiple streets; not sure if I'd ever find him. This annoyed me greatly, as my paws pounded the pavement harder as I sped up, racing down the current street I was on. The pain, the anger, the tribulation, it only fueled me. It gave me energy to keep running, to keep searching.

I stopped and quietly walked towards a cloaked man who was standing at the end of a muggle street, looking around nervously. I bared my teeth. There he was. I went back into my human form and ran full speed at him, lunged forward, and tackled him. We both fell quickly to the ground and I heard him yelp. His hood fell off and I locked eyes with him, the betrayer.

I stood up and held my wand out in front of me. Peter's eyes widened as he too pulled out his wand and backed up toward the street. As I stood in front of him, face to face, I was submerged in a vast sea of brutal rage.

"Why'd you do it Peter? Why'd you betray your friends!" I yelled, glaring at him as my face contorted with anger.

"What...what ever do you mean, Sirius, my friend..." he coaxed, as he stood to his feet.

"Don't you dare call me your friend. I am no friend of a betrayer." I spat.

"Sirius, this is a hard time for both of us..." he said eyeing my wand as I raised it.

"Liar! Just stop it! They trusted you Peter!"

I was seconds away from yelling the killing curse; seconds away from avenging Lily and James' death, but I paused. I watched, bewildered, as he pulled out a knife and began to cut off one of this fingers. His face furrowed with pain as he dropped his finger onto the pavement. I stood there confused and speechless. He dropped his wand to his side, pointing it behind him. I raised an eyebrow inquisitively.

"What are..."

Before I could do anything else Peter gave a malicious smile and whispered an incantation. Everything happened so fast. The street behind Peter blew up- sending pieces of pavement, rocks, and debris into the air. And right then, Peter transformed into a rat and took off running. I ran after him and dropped to my knees at a sewer that he had dropped down into. I sat there as I heard the screams of muggles echo around me. Several of them were pointing at me, but I ignored it. I mindlessly looked down towards what had been a muggle street. It was now a large crater that was surrounded by clouds of smoke and dirt.

I wasn't sure what came over me, perhaps it was out of nervousness or maybe it was because of how naive I had been to not kill Peter on the spot, maybe the fact that I had been seconds away from killing him, but I burst into laughter. I couldn't help myself. So many thoughts were racing through my head, repeating everything I had seen that night down to Peter's cunning escape. For once in his life, he had actually outwitted me, and during a time when it mattered most. I continued sitting there, as my laugh filled the night air. Then I heard several small 'pop's as Ministry of Magic employees began apparating around me; at least twenty of them, all with their wands raised. Two of them walked up to me, looking disgusted, and grabbed my arms as they forced me to my feet.

"Sirius Orion Black, we of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, are hereby convicting you for the murder of James Potter, Lily Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and at least a dozen muggles."

My laughter grew louder as he said that. Peter had really gotten away, and worst of all I would be serving his sentence. He had planned this all too well.

* * *

I gave the quill one last spin before setting it on the bed beside me. I recalled my first five years here. I had reached the brink and gone over the edge of insanity quite a few times. The dementors sucked all of the happiness out of you, leaving you cold, empty, and depressed. I made the mistake of trying to constantly keep happy memories fresh in my mind, of course this only encouraged the dementors to feast upon my emotions, thus breaking the delicate happiness I had scrambled to put together in my mind. After a few months I stopped filling my head with any sort of appealing thought, and while this kept the dementors from focusing on me specifically, I was still immersed in a constant cold, and sadness. Every night I relived visions of James and Lily, and unfortunately of Peter as he escaped. I would writhe on my bed, and wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat. My insides were frozen, as I had could think of nothing to break me out of this personal hell. I slowly spiraled down, overcome with a strong depression to which there was no escape from.

It took me several years of suffering through this torment before I dragged myself out of the hole I had dug, and figured out a way to out smart the dementors. I focused on my innocence. No one believed me, but I knew I was. Hanging onto the fact that I was innocent helped me retain my sanity. It was not a happy thought, more of an obsession, so the dementors were unable to detect it; unable to take it away from me. But it helped, giving me some comfort, a small ray of hope in this dark cell. However, though I wasn't in a deep depression as I had been before I still continued to brood over Lily and James' death as well as Peter's escape. And soon those things became an obsession as well, weighing down my mind heavily and making my heart ache.

Here I lay; seven years later in my same Azkaban cell. I gazed back at the thin lines I had dug into the wall, keeping up with how much time had passed while I was here.

"I will come and get you one day, Peter. I will break out of here and I will find you; for Lily...for James...and for Harry. I swear it." I muttered under my breath.


End file.
